Post-vacation blues are inevitable. I come back to work after seeing cute nieces and nephews, silly siblings, crazy and loving parents, fun friends. After being able to play piano, eat healthy and delicious (and free) food, easily use my bike to get around, wear what I want, and be in the general comforts of home. After being able to not have to think. And then "here comes D-ville," rainy and gloomy, ready to slurp away 7 more months with just one week of set vacation.
Ok, so it's a little simplified for dramatic effect. What I'm trying to get at is that January, that mid-point month in my work/academic calendar which happens to be colder and greyer, has always been a challenge for me. (By "me," I also include a whole lot of other folks). I've been swinging back and forth from feeling ok/randomly really giddy to the opposite. So last weekend I went to this amazing sauna house with some volunteers called Jeju, north of Atlanta. You pay $25 for as long as you want to stay (some people sleep overnight) to have full access to 8 differently themed (and temperatured) sweat huts, a pool, saunas, hot tubs, and a gym. You pay extra for a massage, body scrub, acupuncture, etc. It was amazing! I had several different epiphanies while I was laying there sweating out seemingly all of my tension and negative energy that had built up in my head and body. I felt so accepting of myself and my situation, surrendering all my concerns to the clouds and fate. I realized that I need a lot more meditation and self-soothing techniques, even if for only a few minutes every day. Needless to say, that was a great day.
But the hovering, annually recurring question that has recently caused me a lot of frustration, doubt, and confusion is: what am I doing (with my life)? What am I learning from this position, from myself, that will guide me the way forward? There are a few things I feel like I know: it should be OK to not know, especially at this age when a lot of people have similar questions, that I love a lot of things and feel like I could apply myself in many directions, and that I absorb too much/am too sensitive for me to be able to work with troubled youth for longer than this term at this point in my life. An overwhelming response I have gotten from conversations about this is the assurance that it will all work out the "way it's supposed to," that there's no need to worry about things that will "fall into place." Then why does it seem like such a struggle? Isn't it a tad ironic (don't you think) that I'm taking my quest for a happy future so heavily and seriously? ("I want to be happy, damn it!") Is it the same kind of juxtaposition as a mother yelling at her daughter out of love? <--type attempt at being deep HERE.
Anyway, a lot of thinking is going on in little Lisa's brain right now. Feel free to tell me what to do in my future or tell me a fart joke to clear the air.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Saturday, November 12, 2011
happy daze
The hardest part about a blog is, in not keeping up with it super regularly, having to through "where do I even begin?" I feel like so much happens in any given day that summarizing just doesn't seem accurate. But I suppose that's true of anytime you even explain your day to someone. At least for me, unless it's a really bad or really good day, it's pretty much "a day." Though it's great if I end it on a good note, I can't really say "it's been a good day" because that blends the morning of, for example, being yelled at by a student or called a "little 12-year-old girl", into the category of "good." Anyway, on to something concrete!
Some quick facts/recap:
I'm not working on a farm, contrary to what many of my friends think! (And to be honest, I thought there would be more farm-like stuff here...no. A small garden and a horse barn down the road that we've only been to once). Instead, I'm working at a residential treatment facility for emotionally disturbed/troubled youth (5-20 yrs old) 30 min from Atlanta as an AmeriCorps volunteer. I work with the 13 lower cognitive (IQ 52-70) adolescent girls (also called "Unit 3") from 9am-3pm Mon-Thurs, then planning or after-school for a few more hours with any Unit, and Fridays we do service projects in a different location every week. Unit 3 has borderline, bipolar, severe ADHD, explosive behavior, anger management issues, suicidal tendencies, etc. Units are divided by sex, cognition, and reason why they're there. Some are on probation or coming from the juvi system, others have sexual issues, and others are like my Unit. We live in cabins 5 min walk or less to exposure of the kids --> kinda a lack of privacy. There are 20 other volunteers, 4 of which are male. Who runs the world? Girls.
Once training ended a few weeks ago, we were thrown into the reins, or the gladiator arena, or the shark pool. I thought the teachers were cool (esp. one of them who brings a lot of energy; he's been here only 2 months), but I was shocked at how firm and argumentative the staff (adults who supervise 24-7 in shifts) were with the girls. Training had been flowery. Drilled into our heads was to shower the students with positive feedback, planned ignore on bad behavior/attention-seeking in negative ways, be that smiley, energetic and idealistic volunteer and then do service projects on the side to spread the love. Never argue with the students (it takes two to argue, and esp. with my unit the arguments hardly make any sense so "winning" them isn't even possible). And actually, I believe I should be following that training - lord knows they could use more joy in their lives. But it was confusing the bananas out of me to see so little of that from some of the staff that I became really frustrated my first week there. Now that it's been 3 weeks, I don't have as much of that feeling anymore. I'm either hearing the comments differently or there are less of them. I understand that my role is different from staff and teachers, so perhaps their treatment of the kids is the "setting them straight" in a way that they also need. I also notice myself warming up to acting more affirmative and a little less scared of making a mistake or being verbally, possibly physically, attacked. I'm usually one to keep my mouth shut when it comes to a more tense situation in the classroom, but I think this experience will help expand my capacity for learning when it's maybe better to tell it like it is, when it is. That will not happen overnight, I know that much!
I've noticed that I hold tension in my jaw and by the end of the day, I have a jaw-(and sometimes head-) ache. But I release some of that tension from laughing (inside or outside) at all the hilarious things the kids or teachers say or do throughout the day. Mr. Lewis (my favorite teacher) does not hold back any of his thoughts and is absolutely hilarious. He makes fun of the kids all the time in front of them in such a playful and well-meaning manner. One girl is an especially easy target because she pulls out so much stuff from her shirt (Mary Poppins style) that you wonder if she has a whole fridge and drawer in there. Same girl that was trying to hide (or sleep?) under the dirtiest rug one day, or looks like a little girl but has the best stank-eye of anyone I know. haha I'm laughing just thinking about her. But yeah, same girl that had to be held back from school because she kept yelling/threatening after "I wouldn't help her" (aka give her the answer to a math problem). They're all so unique and annoying in any given day it's amazing.
Some quick facts/recap:
I'm not working on a farm, contrary to what many of my friends think! (And to be honest, I thought there would be more farm-like stuff here...no. A small garden and a horse barn down the road that we've only been to once). Instead, I'm working at a residential treatment facility for emotionally disturbed/troubled youth (5-20 yrs old) 30 min from Atlanta as an AmeriCorps volunteer. I work with the 13 lower cognitive (IQ 52-70) adolescent girls (also called "Unit 3") from 9am-3pm Mon-Thurs, then planning or after-school for a few more hours with any Unit, and Fridays we do service projects in a different location every week. Unit 3 has borderline, bipolar, severe ADHD, explosive behavior, anger management issues, suicidal tendencies, etc. Units are divided by sex, cognition, and reason why they're there. Some are on probation or coming from the juvi system, others have sexual issues, and others are like my Unit. We live in cabins 5 min walk or less to exposure of the kids --> kinda a lack of privacy. There are 20 other volunteers, 4 of which are male. Who runs the world? Girls.
Once training ended a few weeks ago, we were thrown into the reins, or the gladiator arena, or the shark pool. I thought the teachers were cool (esp. one of them who brings a lot of energy; he's been here only 2 months), but I was shocked at how firm and argumentative the staff (adults who supervise 24-7 in shifts) were with the girls. Training had been flowery. Drilled into our heads was to shower the students with positive feedback, planned ignore on bad behavior/attention-seeking in negative ways, be that smiley, energetic and idealistic volunteer and then do service projects on the side to spread the love. Never argue with the students (it takes two to argue, and esp. with my unit the arguments hardly make any sense so "winning" them isn't even possible). And actually, I believe I should be following that training - lord knows they could use more joy in their lives. But it was confusing the bananas out of me to see so little of that from some of the staff that I became really frustrated my first week there. Now that it's been 3 weeks, I don't have as much of that feeling anymore. I'm either hearing the comments differently or there are less of them. I understand that my role is different from staff and teachers, so perhaps their treatment of the kids is the "setting them straight" in a way that they also need. I also notice myself warming up to acting more affirmative and a little less scared of making a mistake or being verbally, possibly physically, attacked. I'm usually one to keep my mouth shut when it comes to a more tense situation in the classroom, but I think this experience will help expand my capacity for learning when it's maybe better to tell it like it is, when it is. That will not happen overnight, I know that much!
I've noticed that I hold tension in my jaw and by the end of the day, I have a jaw-(and sometimes head-) ache. But I release some of that tension from laughing (inside or outside) at all the hilarious things the kids or teachers say or do throughout the day. Mr. Lewis (my favorite teacher) does not hold back any of his thoughts and is absolutely hilarious. He makes fun of the kids all the time in front of them in such a playful and well-meaning manner. One girl is an especially easy target because she pulls out so much stuff from her shirt (Mary Poppins style) that you wonder if she has a whole fridge and drawer in there. Same girl that was trying to hide (or sleep?) under the dirtiest rug one day, or looks like a little girl but has the best stank-eye of anyone I know. haha I'm laughing just thinking about her. But yeah, same girl that had to be held back from school because she kept yelling/threatening after "I wouldn't help her" (aka give her the answer to a math problem). They're all so unique and annoying in any given day it's amazing.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Second post
So now we have access to internet, but it's only til 6pm every day (meaning once we start working, maybe 30min access), and that combined with me having to ask someone to borrow their computer every time (b/c the staff are spending their time fixing issues other than having a computer available for anyone in the office) leads to me not going online much. That said, it hasn't been a big issue, just feel a little out of the loop and missed one loan payment.
The internet is one example of how funds are distributed here, and what it comes down to is AmeriCorps being at the bottom of the totem poll. It is true that individual staff members get really excited about the help their volunteers give them every year in the classroom, and several people have greeted us very warmly. It is also true that we can have no hot water or broken lights for up to two weeks (previous situations we've only so far experienced for a few days). The money isn't going to our needs, it goes to the residents in the treatment facility whose needs, for example, are to be checked on every 15 minutes at night to make sure they haven't a) escaped b) harmed themselves or their roommates. I've also experienced once or twice anti-AmeriCorps sentiment in the cafeteria from the staff. It is typical for someone to get upset in the cafeteria and once the food fighting and screaming subsided, a staff member said to our table, "just relax, y'all got to do shit around here." There is a chance he meant that we needent worry about trying to do something in the moment, but my hunch tells me that that was meant unfriendly.
Just because I've picked up on some negative energy and don't think things are perfect here, that rules can sometimes be burdensome or get in the way of fully connecting to someone/an experience, does not mean that I feel a cloud over this place or next year. In fact, I'm actually very excited to be here. I'm scared as heck, I know I'm going to be broken and remade a lot, but there is so much opportunity here, for me and the kids alike. So many cool people and resources, so much to learn, so much to grow from. Sounds funny but in a way, I can't wait to feel upset, sad, and crazy (and obviously happy and well-off).
My time on this computer has ended, but tonight I'll be going to an AmeriCorps potluck, possibly Atlanta tonight, and tomorrow to the Pride Parade in Atlanta. Looking forward to it all :)
The internet is one example of how funds are distributed here, and what it comes down to is AmeriCorps being at the bottom of the totem poll. It is true that individual staff members get really excited about the help their volunteers give them every year in the classroom, and several people have greeted us very warmly. It is also true that we can have no hot water or broken lights for up to two weeks (previous situations we've only so far experienced for a few days). The money isn't going to our needs, it goes to the residents in the treatment facility whose needs, for example, are to be checked on every 15 minutes at night to make sure they haven't a) escaped b) harmed themselves or their roommates. I've also experienced once or twice anti-AmeriCorps sentiment in the cafeteria from the staff. It is typical for someone to get upset in the cafeteria and once the food fighting and screaming subsided, a staff member said to our table, "just relax, y'all got to do shit around here." There is a chance he meant that we needent worry about trying to do something in the moment, but my hunch tells me that that was meant unfriendly.
Just because I've picked up on some negative energy and don't think things are perfect here, that rules can sometimes be burdensome or get in the way of fully connecting to someone/an experience, does not mean that I feel a cloud over this place or next year. In fact, I'm actually very excited to be here. I'm scared as heck, I know I'm going to be broken and remade a lot, but there is so much opportunity here, for me and the kids alike. So many cool people and resources, so much to learn, so much to grow from. Sounds funny but in a way, I can't wait to feel upset, sad, and crazy (and obviously happy and well-off).
My time on this computer has ended, but tonight I'll be going to an AmeriCorps potluck, possibly Atlanta tonight, and tomorrow to the Pride Parade in Atlanta. Looking forward to it all :)
Monday, September 26, 2011
I'm here
So alas begins my second AmeriCorps year on the blog. Only this time, there are more specified rules of privacy and advice given about what words I should avoid to say to avoid maximum snooping (i.e. the name of this program!) but I can tell you this kind of general information...
I'm "serving" for AmeriCorps (they "shh" you every time you say the word "work"...apparently this is my year to SERVE), my term goes from Sept 23-Aug 3 with 4-5 weeks off, and I'll be working with troubled children in a treatment facility. There are 104 kids (5-21yrs old) with a variety of issues, divided into units and cared for by a whole organized system of staff (overnight and daytime), teachers, team leaders, 18 AmeriCorps volunteers, and maybe 5 more categories. I'm living in a cabin in Douglasville with a roommate who's pretty cool, was a music major and went to college in Atlanta. The cabin is cozy but the roommate thing limits my freedom to crazy dance in my underwear. Aaand we don't start working with the kids until 5 weeks of training! I'm sure that'll be good and is necessary, but I have a feeling by the end of those weeks I'll be itching to see what's up with the kids.
First impressions: some pretty cool people, things seem a little micromanaged for my taste (but something I can get used to), I'll probably be tired a lot and value my own time, and the west african drumming program seems baller. They offer to those interested a 6-month west african drumming social therapy training for free (though these are often extra personal hours) and I was psyched to hear that. Drummed a little with the group already and it's definitely different from African Music Ensemble at college (it's more about therapy and a few different instruments, not so much about being eclectic and professional), but it's still people drumming together so that's solid in my book!
Off to get off campus and eat some mexican food, aye aye aye! Currently no internet access on site but hopefully within the next week...
I'm "serving" for AmeriCorps (they "shh" you every time you say the word "work"...apparently this is my year to SERVE), my term goes from Sept 23-Aug 3 with 4-5 weeks off, and I'll be working with troubled children in a treatment facility. There are 104 kids (5-21yrs old) with a variety of issues, divided into units and cared for by a whole organized system of staff (overnight and daytime), teachers, team leaders, 18 AmeriCorps volunteers, and maybe 5 more categories. I'm living in a cabin in Douglasville with a roommate who's pretty cool, was a music major and went to college in Atlanta. The cabin is cozy but the roommate thing limits my freedom to crazy dance in my underwear. Aaand we don't start working with the kids until 5 weeks of training! I'm sure that'll be good and is necessary, but I have a feeling by the end of those weeks I'll be itching to see what's up with the kids.
First impressions: some pretty cool people, things seem a little micromanaged for my taste (but something I can get used to), I'll probably be tired a lot and value my own time, and the west african drumming program seems baller. They offer to those interested a 6-month west african drumming social therapy training for free (though these are often extra personal hours) and I was psyched to hear that. Drummed a little with the group already and it's definitely different from African Music Ensemble at college (it's more about therapy and a few different instruments, not so much about being eclectic and professional), but it's still people drumming together so that's solid in my book!
Off to get off campus and eat some mexican food, aye aye aye! Currently no internet access on site but hopefully within the next week...
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